I don't think I've slept right in days. Since the surgery, the meds seem to put in a sort of eyes-shut daydreaming trance. One where I know I'm thinking, I can manipulate my thoughts into dreams and I'm just thinking thoughts really, like I'm awake.
The surgery has gone well, all the mess that caused my chronic pain has left me virtually pain-free as the pain I experience now is much duller and managable than the pain I had before.
I'm mostly just itchy, the stitches has waterproof clear stickies on them and irritate me as I cannot properly scratch them. Other than that the only pain I experience is from my bowel... it really lost out in the surgery, being manipulated has made it lazy and grumpy. Really cramps up when I feel the need to poop and that could be a poop in the making that I'm nowhere near doing so I have to take extra meds then as it kicks everything off.
I was laying in bed earlier, and my belly kept seizing...at first I thought it felt interesting, like as if I were pregnant with a baby moving... soon it really made me feel ill, more as if my tummy was retching.
It's strange, it occurred to me at one point that we should start trying for more kids soon, then I realised the truth - I can no longer have children and it was the oddest blank feeling. No sadness, no eureka realisation...just "oh. That's right." like someone had pressed *delete* on the emotion I was supposed to feel at that very moment.
All in all, I'm not sad. And I'm especially not sad thinking of others being pregnant, never been the type. All those years trying, failing, experiencing difficulties... that was my story. No one elses. So I've always considered the joy of others to be shared and I always have been excited on their behalf.
Surgery has shown some people's true feelings.... Some have shied from me feeling guilt about their own blessings and others have taken my lack of personal communication to be my own opinion of them and our friendship.
I love babies, I love kids....I love sharing in the lives of others and I am happy I'm finally headed towards true health.
None of this is about you personally. Hate to break it to you but there is too much on my list to consider right now whether or not I'm following up enough with people.
Someone said to me "what if Elouise died? You wouldn't be able to have any more children." Strange right? This person is bilingual so at first I thought it was said wrong but the meaning behind it is STILL strange right?
Whether or not Elouise is alive, my ability to have children shouldn't matter in her case. If I had more children they wouldn't be an emergency replacement for another child.
If you had B to replace A, then C to replace B then you can go on forever right? And no one thinks of "what if my child dies?" for the obvious reason that it's not something one should ever have to think about.
*-* Just my shiny 20 cents *-*
Quite right Jenn!! Your own personal sadness about not having more children yourself is just that. A feeling, but nothing to take over your life or to take from what you have. What a strange thing to think you have more children in case one dies. Maybe back in the day when lines of men were needed and in places where you need children to work for you, but not here. Child 'A', namely Elouise is a blessing you waited for and she should always feel she is enough. I hope she never hears someone asking you that!!!! I know Emma experienced that guilt you speak of. She felt badly because like you, she would want to share everyone else's happiness, not be left out of it. She felt sad in private moments that she wouldn't have that again, that someone was pregnant while her baby had died, that people enjoyed their children while she could not, but that is inevitable and no reason to be left out of the joy of your loved ones. Gosh, it's doubly sad to have to miss it all!! Keep on getting better and I can't wait to see you xx
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